


I Have No Voice, and I Must Scream

by DivineValley



Series: Broken Pieces [3]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Parental bond, Self-Sacrifice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-27 21:38:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13889640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineValley/pseuds/DivineValley
Summary: Howler gave a huff but his smile remained in place. This was a silent promise. Live through this mission so his dumb joke can be told. “Oh, I know this one will get you, sir! You’re going to actually crack a smile and laugh! I swear! It’s my life goal to see you actually smile!”





	I Have No Voice, and I Must Scream

**Author's Note:**

> Yes the title is based off the story/game I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream~

“Hey, commander it’s time for another funny joke!” Howler bounds up to his commander smiling as always, his helmet tucked under his arm as he kept up with Wolffe’s fast pace. They preparing for battle and so he made sure to tell him about his newest joke. This was their routine something they shared since Howler joined the 104th.

The commander would look at him feigning irritation and there had been a time Howler thought it was genuine annoyance but he knew better now. He could see the faint twitching of the corner’s of his mouth, how his shoulders relaxed ever so slightly and the glint of amusement in his natural eye.

“There isn’t time for this if it’s anything like the last…”

“This one will have you laughing for sure! I swear!”

The commander rolls his eyes and he finally comes to a stop placing a hand on Howler’s shoulder. “Then tell me it after the battle, if you’re so sure of it being hilarious. That’s when I could use a laugh. Though I’m not going to hold my breath.”

Howler gave a huff but his smile remained in place. This was a silent promise. Live through this mission so his dumb joke can be told. “Oh, I know this one will get you, sir! You’re going to actually crack a smile and laugh! I swear! It’s my life goal to see you actually smile!”

Commander Wolffe never did laugh at any of his jokes, he’s told hundreds by now and he wasn’t even given a pity laugh. Though it was a victory when General Plo snorted at one of his puns, the look on his commander’s face was priceless. The grip loosens and it’s back to preparing for the fight that is to come. Howler places his helmet on his head proudly wearing the symbols of the Wolfpack ready to step into the fray and fight at their side and for the Republic.

Blaster fire rains down on them the deafening screams of his brothers are all around him and Howler joins in. Let them hear, let those machines know they’re here and that they’ll be destroyed by the greatest army the galaxy has ever seen. Howler feels no fear just excitement and bloodlust, he laughs with each fire of his weapon watching the droids fall one by one.

Beneath his bucket he’s smiling he turns to where he knows where his commander is ready to say something but whatever snarky reply he had in mind is gone, he sees a clanker lining up a shot. There is no thinking he just moves forward shielding him when he agony flows through his body like waves of fire.

“Buir..."

The word comes out as a gurgle, slurred as blood overflows from his mouth and he’s drowning. Drowning in red, in heat, there's no air, it's escaping from the new hole in his throat. He can see the commander above him, screaming out orders for a medic, his hand cradling the back of his skull. It was worth it. The 104th need their leader, they needed the head of their pack. This sacrifice was well worth it because he was able to save him, his buir...his father.

Few clones could ever say they knew the feeling of a parent’s love.

They didn’t have parents. Jango Fett was not their father. Neither were the Kaminoans, their trainers or the Jedi generals they served under. Yet when Howler was around his commander he felt like he had a parent, a father whom he loved and adored. It would be an honor to die for him.

He didn’t.

**_______________**

 

Howler wakes in medical with all kinds of wires and bandages on his body, he hates it but he’s alive, he’s actually alive right now. There’s pain most of it in his neck and there are thick layers of gauze wrapped around his throat. He survived being shot in the neck, that’ll be something to gloat about for sure. When he manages to sit up his eyes light up at the sight of Commander Wolffe who is in a chair at his bedside.

Had he been waiting all this time? Waiting for him to wake up? There’s a fluttering feeling in his chest and Howler smiles wide when he’s noticed. He can hear the commander curse under his breath and debate whether or not to give him the tongue lashing of his life. Everything was going to be okay, he was alive he saved Commander Wolffe, everything turned out fine.

He was fucking stupid. So stupid.

Days go by he’s still stuck in medical waiting to be cleared, he hates not being able to talk there’s so much he wants to say to the others. Other members of the Wolfpack visit him, Boost and Sinker keep him plenty of company, Commander Wolffe coming by as often as possible. He doesn’t say much, Wolffe isn’t much of a talker but just knowing he was there brings Howler comfort.

A week passes and he’s finally told the truth. Complications in surgery, they were so focused on keeping him alive there was some kind of mistake. He was never going to speak. Ever. It’s a pretty damn heavy blow and he’s not sure how to handle it. His voice had been his greatest weapon, his voice was the reason he had his name for kriff’s sake! How could it be gone? How could something so important, something that was a huge part of him be gone?

He’ll never laugh again.

Would he be able to cry? Would there be a sound?

He felt like screaming, he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs just to prove them all wrong but when he opened his mouth and willed for sound to come out there was nothing.

He’d never be able to tell his commander another joke.

All Howler wants is to get out of here and be with the others, he hates this room, he hates being checked on by the medics, their eyes filled with pity. Why pity?! There wasn’t anything wrong, alright he was mute now, okay but that didn’t mean he was broken! Soon he’ll be back on his feet and with the pack. They’ll get their next assignment, meet with the general and somehow Howler will figure out a way of communicating with his brothers, it’ll be fine.

He’s so stupid. So stupid.

Nothing is fine.

Commander Wolffe comes for a visit, he brightens ever so slightly at the sight of him but he knows something is wrong. His face there’s...grief, something happened. He sits up in his bed turning to reach out for his commander and he’s scared because...his commander is shaking ever so slightly, a tremor in his shoulders.

Commander Wolffe never trembled not even in the face of death so why was he like this? What’s happening?

“We’re moving out,” Oh, so they were given their new orders? Howler starts to rise from his bed but he’s eased back down as the commander takes a seat beside him on the edge of the bed. “You’re...you’re staying here. You’re being sent back to Kamino.”

Back to Kamino. Back to Kamino. Back to Kamino. Back to Kamino. Back to Kamino.

No.

The commander is awful at jokes, terrible, it’s why he can’t tell them because he’s so awful at it. This is a terrible joke, pretty damn bad, maybe if it were someone else…

“I’ve been trying to make contact with the general, he’d never let this happen he can stop it. But I haven’t been able to...”

Howler wants to vomit, Commander Wolffe’s voice never cracks. This joke is going too far now. Too far, he should stop, just stop, he wants to beg him to stop.

There’s a hand on the back of his neck pulling him forward bringing his forehead against his commander’s. They’re both shaking now, Howler grips his commander’s arm tightly he...he can’t...he refuses to believe any of this.

“You called me buir.”

Freezing, Howler finally raises his head so he can look the other man in the eyes, his heart breaks. Even when the commander had lost his eye he didn’t seem distraught. Wolffe was a pillar of strength that was crumbling before his very eyes and it was his fault.

“You called me your father and I can’t even...I can’t even save you. I don’t know how to save you from them ad’ika.”

Howler finally breaks, tears dripping down his cheeks and he wishes he could let out a proper cry when arms pull him into a fierce hug. The arms of his father, not his commander. His father who taught him everything about survival in this war. About brotherhood about protecting those who cannot protect themselves. His father whom he sacrificed himself for. He doesn’t regret it not for a second because they need him, the galaxy needed Commander Wolffe.

He’s held for who knows how long, being rocked in his arms as he continues to cry silently letting out dry heaves until he feels his father slowly pull away to gaze down at him. He was leaving...Gods no, don’t go. A kiss is placed on his forehead and no more words are said, there would be no goodbye here.

There’s too much finality in such words.

Howler is left alone unable to move, unable to think all he can do is stare at the empty space where his father had just been. It’s almost like he’s not in his own body. He feels like he’s on a ship that’s about to crash, death looming over him and there’s nothing he can do. All he can do it wait for impact and accept this was his faith.

**FUCK THAT!**

Throwing the blankets off his body there’s a sudden spike of adrenaline in his body screaming for him to move. He can’t just sit here, he can’t just wait for death to take him. No, no it was time to grab the control and at least try to survive this mess!

He can’t find his armor anywhere who knows where they had taken it so he charges out of the room in just his blacks. He feels quicker, lighter like he can’t be caught. One of the medics yelp when he bursts out into the hallway, reaching out to grab him.

Howler reacts on instinct and when a hand is close enough to his face he bites down hard he can swear he tastes blood. Ignoring the cries of pain he bolts down the hall able to slip past ever clone that stands in his way. He needs to reach the hangar, he needs to get there, he has no idea what his plan is he just can’t be here anymore.

He runs and runs, he’s like a madman, some actually jump out of the way at the sight of him he wonders what his face looks like right now. There’s shouting around him, troopers yelling for someone to stop him, no one will stop him.

The entrance to the hanger is in sight and he gets through the doors it feels like victory for a few bittersweet moments when he sees the last of the 104th ships rise in the air and take off into the depths of space.

They’re gone.

They left him behind.

It all comes crashing down, Howler’s knees make impact to the floor hard but he feels no pain in them. His eyes don’t move from the spot where the ship had vanished into his mind is in some kind of denial.

They actually left.

He opens his mouth and he wills sound to come out, it’s a disgusting noise that sends pain through his throat but he doesn’t care, he doesn’t fucking care anymore! His fists raise in the air and slam down onto the cold metal beneath him. Again and again not stopping even as red stains are left behind.

He tries to scream louder, he wants to scream at the top of his lungs as he continues to pound his fists and create as much sound as he possibly can.

All he wanted to do was scream.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I usually write Howler as the comedic relief in my stories but as I thought more about him the more my heart broke for him. Unlike Mouse and Hawke who left no one behind when they were deemed defective Howler was being torn away from his entire family. They're all still out there in the galaxy and he's unable to see or contact any of them ever again.
> 
> I'm not sure if I'll ever write a follow up to this, him reuniting with Wolffe, would be interesting to also see Wolffe's perspective on all this...but I suck at writing Wolffe so who knows! Hope you all enjoyed this!


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